Who am I? Heritage
I am a Douglas of the clan Douglas.
I actually just learned of my Scottish heritage a few years ago, until then I had thought it was English.
I grew up in Colorado. I was born at the community hospital in Durango, CO and lived in Pagosa Springs until 8 when my family moved to the Grand Valley. From the San Juans to the high plateau.
My father was a carpenter, outfitter, and ranch manager and loved to rodeo. My mother worked as a nurse at the health clinic in town. She would many times be waiting in the ambulance at the rodeo to take injured cowboys to the hospital. As a small kid the open mountains, the rodeo, the river, the small town, that was life, oh, and lots of snow in Pagosa, lots of snow. Not that it was an issue. It is in my blood. I loved all the snow sports and making snow caves and didn’t know any different anyway.
My parents separated when I was 3. My mom took us kids to live in Texas for less than a year before we moved back to Colorado.
I started the 4th grade at Thunder Mountain Elementary School in Grand Junction, CO. Very different being in the big town. The lush mountains to the hot, dry dessert. Meeting new kids, living in an apartment for the first time.
My mom remarried when I was going into middle school and we moved again. I lived in Palisade, CO until I moved away for college to CSU in Fort Collins.
After school I got married and we moved to Denver and have lived around the metro area for… a while.
Who am I? Soul
I experienced personal trauma in my life at a young age that had a huge impact on my attitude and outlook on life and ideas about myself and others.
I lived for years with shame and condemnation, depression, with isolation in my heart.
I lived and experienced the fallout of these and other pains and difficulties and my depressed attitudes; my potential and capability always subject to the higher power of my limited belief. I lived in prison, in a box of limited possibility, always looking to others for approval, never fully approving of myself.
Not that everything was always bad or there weren’t good times and laughs and great memories. I loved the stars and wanted to be an astronaut. When I was a young boy I had a subscription to Popular Science and didn’t hesitate to take things apart. I did well in school and still had friends and was well liked in spite of my internal self struggles. My family life was good and I did not live in fear, just the usual tensions and issues for the most part.
Who am I? Spirit
I am an athlete. I love to run. I love to explore the wilderness, to climb mountains, to drive down a new road. I love to travel and see new places, meet new people. I love to learn new things and to spend good quality time with good people. I love to talk ideas and inventions and science fiction. I love to make great food for friends and family. I love when I am at ease and confident and actually get to enjoy life.
Who am I? Family
I have three kids, 10, 8, and 6. My oldest is so tall and it shows how the time really does go, I wish I had more focus and peace and (cough) money to be able to give them all the time and experiences and love that they deserve. I love my wife and we are a good team, we take care of what needs to be done and make sure to keep communication going. Not that it is all easy. Life is what happens while you are waiting to live.
Who am I? Work
I am a person trainer. This is the second time I have held a certification to provide the service, I let one expire a few years ago without using it. I passed the test at the end of 2019 and started this year with a new job at a new gym, and then 2020. My job was furloughed (if that is the right word) and there was not enough hours when they were able to reopen, my wife’s job was steady and I had the kids for remote learning.
I am an IT professional. I have had years of experience in various sectors of the industry; most notably network install and administration, system administration, web development and audio/visual technologies.
I have upgraded networks and servers for government contracts, replaced network equipment for global satellite services, installed, maintained and repaired security systems and low-voltage networks at hundreds of businesses and locations. I have developed dozens of websites, built PCs and servers, configured thousands of IP phones, installed and decommissioned thousands of workstations, monitors, peripherals and other devices. I have done Ebay auctions, edited countless images and videos, learned hundreds of computer programs, repaired and rebuilt PCs and laptops, audited major network installations, performed dozens of area WiFi maps and diagnostics. I have been on both ends of the customer service and help desk lines for thousands of hours. I have traveled to install infrastructure for applications with hundreds of network devices and thousands of connections. I can come up with more but this paragraph is already too long.
I am a food service professional. I have worked as a cook, a sous chef, kitchen manager, restaurant manager, server, dishwasher, bartender, door man, I don’t know right now what else there is specifically to restaurants… lots of customer service.
I have also worked for many years in various areas of construction. My step father owns a structural relocation business where we move homes, buildings or anything else that can be removed from its foundation. I worked on an excavation crew. I had a job framing and one deck building, another performing maintenance for a system of private schools, another maintenance job for an apartment complex. I built fences, bike trails, decks, poured and formed concrete, operated heavy equipment, drove trucks, directed traffic, thoroughly enjoyed demolition projects, replaced fixtures and cabinetry, installed ceiling fans, installed TV wall mounts, worked on HVAC systems, replaced siding, dug a few ditches. I recently worked on a construction project in Gilpin County, CO for one of Kanye Wests’ Sunday services.
Besides these work experiences (and there’s more), I learn. I love to practice video editing, I am working to expand my coding knowledge, to become a better camera operator, to make better films and photos.
Who is the real me?
So which of these descriptions is the most relevant? Which says who I am, for real? All of them say something about a part of me, a part of my life, but does that tell you who I am?
To be honest the one that resonates the most is the one that “says” the least:
I am an athlete. I love to run. I love to explore the wilderness, to climb mountains, to drive down a new road. I love to travel and see new places, meet new people. I love to learn new things and to spend good quality time with good people. I love to talk ideas and inventions and science fiction. I love to make great food for friends and family. I love when I am at ease and confident and actually get to enjoy life.
So, who am I really?
Well, as best as I know, or can see from the example, I am what I love. Or, I am who I am when I am “in” the state or spirit of love, joy, peace, courage, confidence.
I am whatever I choose gives my life meaning.
I am very thankful for all my experiences and knowledge, but they are not me. If I were to be and act and create out of what is the real me then it would likely look different.
What I really love is freedom.
What I really love is fellowship, true relationship, meaningful experiences. What I love is to see people happy, full of joy. I love to see people set free. I love when I feel free. Free from lack and insecurity, free from shame and condemnation, free from the imposter syndrome and the fear that holds us back.
The goal then, for me; to live life truly and fully and passionately. To give up on being “good enough” for myself or others and just to be, to decide that I am and that is enough and it is time to be and to get out of my head and to stop giving attention to those things that do not move me or drive me or give me life.
What then is your goal?
What would you live for that gives you life and fills you with peace and joy?
What is a better driver for your motivation?
What is a better destination to go for?