It would take hundreds of words to start to put into context the whirlpool of emotions and feelings and thoughts in my mind and body, even at any given moment, but especially so right now.
I feel like I have finally found a key, for me at least, to be able to let go of everything which has been hindering me and holding me back in life.
You see, for many, many years, I realize now, I have been effectively closing my heart, shutting off the tap to that which makes me, me.
In the pursuits of life (money, love, esteem) and amid the chaos which seems to enshroud us, and a myriad of other influences both internal and external, it is easy to get lost, it is easy to ignore your own voice and do what you think you are supposed to. Or just to chase money. Money above everything else. I remember this being a primary factor in determining a major in college, which is likely why it was so difficult. I had also alread been playing out a false and indeterministic narrative as the basis for my life and choices for a long time at this point as well.
Many of us (me) have repressed thoughts and emotions, trauma and internal wounds. Maybe we have long treaded a downward spiral of thought, associated depressive, anxious feelings, reinforced by our actions and choices in our relationships, in our work, our habits, maybe we have closed our hearts.